Cik Mas Menulis

Trust me, the title isn’t a clickbait. I was about to quit during my second week of training.

A little introduction about my current workplace: It is literally the workplace that checks all of my “dream place to work at” boxes. It’s a multi-national company, has an English-speaking environment with diverse races of employees, and  is located in a modern and sophisticated building!

So, what went wrong?

*It was me, my insecurities and people*

Here’s the story. On my very first day, we had an ice breaking session. It was my turn to introduce my self since most of them had arrived earlier and I guessed they had already introduced themselves to each other. I introduced my self with short details that I had prepared and practiced in my car, on my way to the office. Then, their turns came; to introduce themselves to me. 

What I considered would be nothing to afraid of turned out to be something that haunted my days ahead.

I was stunned—almost petrified —by their fluency in English. Like what I’d told my friend on WhatsApp: “They use British/ American English while I speak Kepayang English.” Not only that, I was also amazed by their experience in writing industry. I felt shy and inferior, with my limited writing background—especially in English.

Just in my first week of training, someone laughed at my grammatical error. There were also other incidents where I felt excluded and rejected. Bruh, it hurt too bad.

Fast forward, we were in the second week of training. Nothing comes easy in this life, which was true—second week hit harder. We were given a task to summarise an English literature story within 30 to 45 minutes approximately. Driven by my passionate for learning, bravery, shamelessness, and ultimate confidence level, I raised my hand to read my summary.

I remember vividly saying, “I’m not confident with my writing, so I want to start first.”

I bet you can guess what happened next. 

No surprise—my colleagues wrote better than I did. 😦

I felt extremely embarrassed, and sadly, made me question my qualification and credibility to be here.

My shift ended at 7pm. I decided to walk alone to the train station, not joining my colleagues. That day felt so long: I wished it could end sooner than I anticipated.

When I nearly reached my home,  I burst into tears. Exactly, at this bridge. I was sobbing as if I were a child who needed her mother. 

I looked up on the sky, and asked God for direction. I told him I needed a job that would allow me to live a comfortable life—good for both my dunya and akhirah. If this job was right for me, make it ease then. If it wasn’t, shifting me away from it and give me something better. *I cried even  harder*

When I finally got home, I went to pick up my fur daughter, hugged her tightly, and asked her to pray for me too. *I cried even harder again*

***
A Little Throwback.

On my second day of work, I opted to use public transports instead of driving. 

Know why? It was because the parking fee was so steep, I half-joked that I’d have to survive on dry leaves, branches, and sand just to afford a one month parking in the building. 

Back to the story. Whilst my eyes wandered pointlessly while waiting for the train, I randomly bumped onto my former university classmate! Her name was Jieha.

Next story was epic – we find out that we were working in the related industry! Like, how in the world? We just met, and suddenly we shared a quite similar role? Out of millions job out there? For context, our current job has nothing to do with what we studied in university.

“What a small world I’ve been living in”, I mused to my self.

***

Met Jieha Again at the Train Station, After the Sorrowful Night

The sorrowful night had passed and a new day began. I wasn’t in my best self that morning. I walked to the train station to go to work, and once again, I saw and met Jieha.

I told Jieha what happened to me last night. I rested my head on her shoulder and told her I wanted to quit. Jieha was surprised, nevertheless she consoled and encouraged me. 

”Things will be okay, Cik Mas. Remember the money you’ll earn—the money that will cover all your commitments. Things will be just fine, don’t give up.”

She was right.

I am now in my two-month probation. What once felt intimidating has slowly faded. My mind is clearer, positive and more focused.

Though I’m not the fastest learner or top performer in the team, I know I’m doing great because I am making a progression.

Every single day in the morning, I ensure I do revision because my job requires me to remember policies.

I also challenged my self to write blog posts in English nowadays, so that I can practice more. I once read something that stuck with me, it goes like this: “Your English is not bad, you just need to practice more.”— I completely agree.

This whole experience has taught me that overthinking is the silent and deadliest killer of all potential and possibilities within me — and I must never let it win over!

To Jieha and my supportive clan, it it weren’t for your relentless support and motivation, I wouldn’t be here writing this post.

Beyond that, I am truly grateful that this test has helped me to reconnect with God in a unique and deeply personal way. It reminded me that His help was always near and reachable; has deepened my understanding of tawakkal; strengthened my resilience and rejuvenated my faith. ❤

Did you have experience something similar like this? Share with me on how you won over your challenges at workplace in the comment below.

P.S. To all non native English learners and speakers, we’ve got this!